To Fear You and Never Know You
by GirlGirl2
Summary: Buffy recieves a phone call, and then a far more devestating letter. Set during season 5. Faith may not have been who they thought she was.


**_Set during season 5 not long before Glory finds out Dawn is the Key. Faith is still in prison._**

When the phone call first came Buffy felt numb. Because compared to the pain of losing her mother, this news had no chance. Not that it was less important, simply that Buffy's heart had already broken, and not a shred yet regenerated to feel anything more. Dawn, younger and shielded better from the cold reality of her mother's death, took the news harder. She expressed her pain in angry words, at first vilifying then praising the object of so much emotion.

"After all I'm not real! What I remember happening, what you remember happening, it didn't. It's fake. It's horrible and twisted and not real!"

Xander was dazed, confused and withdrawn. So much death, so much suffering.

Giles took it hardest at first. He blamed himself, Buffy had always known this but it was only seeing his angry, sad, tired eyes that really brought it home to her.

"It wasn't your fault Giles," she said, knowing the words were scant comfort. _It was mine._

"I failed in my duties." He replied simply, before leaving the Summers' residence and walking the mile and a half back to his own house, where he downed a bottle of Jack Daniels.

It was the letter, later, that got to Buffy. Sent whilst she and her friends were fighting to find a way to protect Dawn from Glory.

Forwarded by Angel, it came with a note.

_This is the coroner's report. It... Read it._

**It is the conclusion of the Los Angeles District Coroner that Miss Faith Lehane, hereafter referred to as 'the deceased' died from a sudden embolism caused by a large mass pressing against the brain.**

**The benign mass was located on the left side of the brain, and is likely to have been present for several years. Due to the size and position it is estimated that the mass has been growing for approximately four years. Due to the position and size of the mass it is likely to have caused problems with regulating adrenal supply, causing an inability to rationalise or distinguish between right and wrong for short periods. The increased flow of adrenalin is likely to have contributed to increased aggression and mood swings. The deceased likely, due to her excellent physical condition, suffered none of the headaches or muscle soreness that is usually an early warning sign.**

**It is the opinion of this coroner that, due to the deceased's otherwise perfect health, (including a fitness and muscle mass index vastly above average for a female of her age)that the mass simply continued to grow until the pressure caused an embolism that lead to almost instant brain death. **

Buffy dropped the letter from her shaking fingers. She looked from face to face. Who will comfort her?

Not Willow, who read the letter in less time than it took Buffy to read Angel's note and retreated instantly, dragging Dawn and her babbling, not-there girlfriend with her. Her face was a blank mask.

Not Xander, who looks confused for a few seconds before he takes a step back and bites his lip. He's not sure what to feel.

Not Giles, who if anything looks more grief stricken and wracked with guilt.

Her eyes fill with tears.

* * *

_The look in Faith's eyes as she scrubbed at the bloodstained top. Confusion, desperation, followed by wild anger._

_The way she flinched when Buffy disturbed her, lounging on her bed in the apartment the Mayor bought for her. The way she smiled, teased her. "Give us a kiss."_

_Buffy, not sure why that made her boil with rage, and lunge at Faith._

_Then the anger and fury and strength of their fight. Adrenalin coursing through both of them. The sudden halt to it all as the knife slid in. Warmth on one fingertip as a drop of Faith's blood spurts outwards. _

* * *

Her blood would be cold now. No, she's seen enough dead bodies to know it would be almost solid now. Congealed in her veins. Buffy closes her eyes and tries to picture Faith dead. Tries to picture her cold and staring into nothingness but the only picture she gets is one of Joyce, and the Faith that eventually intrudes on this picture is alive and laughing, dancing, eyes full of meaning.

Buffy turns and walks out of the house. It is evening and the air is still, the sky fading from azure blue to a dusky haze.

* * *

She fights on, for a few weeks. Beats Glory into the ground and runs up the tower after Dawn. Doesn't see Giles, hand over Ben's mouth. Xander does, and does nothing to intervene. Thinking, perhaps, of someone who had even fewer choices than the boy dying in the dust.

And when she jumps, she feels afraid. Not of death, but of seeing the girl she knows, ***knows*** is waiting for her on the other side.

**_Reviews would be appreciated. _**


End file.
